Star Wars XXX

I’m a big fan of Star Wars, not a hardcore ‘I own everything that Lucas Films has come out with’ fan, but I’m a big fan. I loved the movie, “A New Hope” which is what’s parodied here. I also love good porn, so when I saw the trailer for this movie, I was really excited. A naughty version of Star Wars, Princess Leia getting it on, sexy Storm troopers fucking their way through the galaxy…Sign me up! I was ready to love this movie and recommend it to everyone before I even saw it. Unfortunately, what I saw not only disappointed me, it actually made me cranky.

While there’s a strong story, the sex is not strong.

It’s important that a porn parody stay true, to some extent, to the original work. If you are ultimately making a porn movie, the sex has to be the star and unfortunately in Star Wars XXX it wasn’t. Axel Braun stayed true to Star Wars “A New Hope”, it was very heavy on story and that’s not a bad thing. I just watched Teachers from Digital Playground that was a three hour flick filled with mostly sex scenes, really good ones, and also had a very strong storyline so it’s realistic to say that a strong story and strong sex can exist together in porn. It just didn’t here; the story was the best part of the flick.

Axel Braun added his own comedic and naughty elements with some very clever scripting that at times, had me laughing out loud. I thought Seth Gamble’s portrayal of the whiny Luke Skywalker, in the non-sex scenes, was really well done and Tom Byron as the alcoholic Obi Wan Kenobi was absolutely terrific. His constant desire for a cocktail and his great timing, made me laugh really hard throughout the movie. It got to the point where I knew that there was something good, non-sexually speaking, if Obi Wan Kenobi was in the scene because Tom would bring it.

I don’t expect every sex scene to be a home run, but for a porn movie to be worth a watch and especially a purchase, at least half the sex scenes have to be really hot to totally smoking.  Either that, or there has to be a least one or two totally smoking scenes that I can recommend to watch because they were off the charts. Unfortunately, the majority of the sex scenes in Star Wars XXX failed to get me even remotely wet. So what went wrong?

No chemistry among actors.

The most important ingredient in a hot sex scene is chemistry among all the stars having sex. I’d prefer the chemistry be real and genuine, but I’ll take fake reactions if they can pull it off as believable. This is a fantasy world for us that we escape to get excited. It should feel like those people on the screen are having a great time and are totally into what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with. You can have the most standard sex, but if there’s great chemistry, that can be the hottest sex scene ever.

My main issue is it felt like there was little to no chemistry in just about every sex scene. I want to give Kimberly Kane and Aiden Ashley credit. They had some good chemistry. In fact, there were times where it looked like they couldn’t get enough of each other and that was really hot. The only issue with their scene was that their top heavy wigs seemed to be getting in the way and that they thought their wigs might fall off; so the choice of those wigs negatively affected their ability to just relax and get down with each other. During the orgy in the cantina, Gia DiMarco was so bothered by her neck piece that she kept pulling at it. I’m thinking, why didn’t she just take it off before having sex? Struggling, when you’re not supposed to be struggling, is not sexy.

Sex with Chewbacca is NOT hot.

I understand that it can be difficult to have sex with a bunch of additional crap hanging off of you, but sometimes you just have to say maybe this scene isn’t worth doing and scrap it. Sex with Chewbacca did NOT work because he had to keep his costume on. It was very distracting and annoying that sexy Stormtroopers, Eve Laurence and Brandy Aniston, had to keep picking the hair from the costume out of their mouths, off his cock and out of their genitals. I give them an A for effort, but it didn’t work.  Plus the big costume hands on the Chewbacca costume made it difficult for Dick Chibbles (Yep, that’s his name.) to really do anything to the Stormtroopers. All these issues took me out of the fantasy of it all so they lost me.

Sex sounded and looked fake.

Gia DiMarco was moaning so loud during the orgy scene in the cantina and did it so repetitively no matter what was happening to her that it got annoying because it sounded fake. Plus, Danny Wylde and Derrick Pierce were just pumping away on these ladies; it looked totally mechanical. I’ve seen these two guys in other porns and they’re usually fabulous entertainers, enthusiastic about what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with or so it seems. To see this mediocre performance from them was disheartening.  Speaking of the orgy scene, Han is in the cantina when that scene is going on…why isn’t he having sex? He’s the stud of the Star Wars movies; he could’ve jumped in on that.

There were also times where you’d see a star look just off camera, as if they were getting instructions from someone which is a huge porno pet peeve. Obi Wan is banging a Sand Creature (Jennifer White). She didn’t have that much enthusiasm, kind of quiet, barely moaning. Then she looks just off camera and then suddenly pops back in and starts kind of growling. It felt as though someone off camera told her to start growling and then she did.

Even in the last big threesome scene at the end, Allie Haze (Princess Leia) looks off camera as if to get more instructions or maybe even to see if she’s almost done while Han is pounding away. That kind of stuff takes the viewer out of the sex, because the star having the sex left it themselves. If you look away you look bored, you look concerned, you look like you’re receiving instruction, you look like you’re not into the sex you’re having and ultimately it breaks the fantasy. It happens, I know, but then why isn’t it edited out?

Lack of creativity during sex was disappointing.

Usually in scenes that involve more than just a couple like the cantina scene, the Stormtroopers and Chewbacca or the Leia, Han and Luke threesome you can get some interesting and creative sex happening because there are more sexy brains thinking about what to do and different desires and styles among the actors. Unfortunately, in each of those scenes when the sex partners were swapped, the sex that was then had was exactly the same as what we just saw before the switch and that repetitive sameness is snoresville.

Poor music choices.

The choice to use the cantina music non-stop for 30 minutes was not a good decision. It played from the moment that Obi Wan and Luke entered the cantina, through their negotiation with Han, through Kimberly Kane and Aiden Ashley’s scene and through the orgy scene. That’s too long and the volume was never lowered to an underbed level, it became unbelievably annoying.

Camera work lacking.

Over my 17 years or so of watching porn, I’ve learned getting good vantage points, interesting shots and keeping things moving is important in our current world of high edits and fast pace. It felt like there were lots of single shots. The camera would just stay in one place for a long time and when it would move, it felt like you were watching the camera man searching for something to focus on. Sometimes I didn’t understand why we were focusing on something when a simple panning in or panning out could have increased enjoyment. It just felt static.

Star Wars XXX is touted to have a big budget.

They had a really big cast, I’m sure that was a big factor. However, this movie had an overall feeling of a home movie parody of Star Wars. It didn’t “feel” expensive or slick. It looked like things were just banged together instead of highly designed. For example, in the last scene, with Leia, Han and Luke, Leia’s one foot is front and center in the shot and the silver paint is peeling off her white shoe. Could they not have bought her a pair of silver heels?

There were little things like that sprinkled throughout the movie that just looks kind of cheap. Chewbacca’s costume was really good and I’m sure expensive, but his makeup looked kind of creepy and maybe that was the point, but it wasn’t attractive and this is porn. Many waves of confusion and frustration poured over me during my viewing and I really wanted to like this.

Overall Thoughts and Recommendation

The idea of Star Wars XXX got me totally excited. Seeing both my favorite things, Star Wars and porn, come together could have been a great experience and I really wanted it to be. I had a stack of porn in front of me to review and I chose Star Wars because the idea of it even existing got me the most excited. Unfortunately, there was so much time spent on writing the story and the script, which was quite clever and even very funny, and getting everyone properly costumed, that it felt like the sex took a back seat on this one when it should have been the star.

From a total lack of chemistry between the stars to some of the costumes being too burdensome and impractical to wear during sex, to a cast that looked like they were going through the motions all too often, resulting in uninteresting, boring and mechanical sex to even more unfortunately, what seemed like poor choices in shooting, editing and music/audio selection; this porn is more frustrating and annoying than arousing and titillating.

It’s a fun parody of Star Wars. Without the sex scenes it’s fun to watch, the cast did great in the non-sex scenes. For a little over $36 for the regular DVD (at the time of writing and I’ve seen it online for almost $50) you get 2 discs, a non-sex version and a hearty behind the scenes the featurette. My advice on this one, if you’re a hardcore fan, I recommend renting it, watching it online or even just downloading to own, which is cheaper, to see their take on “A New Hope”. But if you’re looking for hot porn in the Star Wars movie, this is a miss.

• Starring:  Aiden Ashley, Allie Haze, Brandy Aniston, Brian Street Team, Bryn Pryor, Chi Chi LaRue, Danny Wylde, Derrick Pierce, Dick Chibbles, Eve Lawrence, Gia Dimarco, Jennifer Dark, Jennifer White, Kimberly Kane, Kris Kelvin, Kris Slater, Kyle Stone, Kylie Ireland, Lexington Steele, Lily Cade, Lizzy London, Marcus London, Peter O’Tool, Rihanna Rimes, Rocco Reed, Ryan Driller, Ryan McLane, Rylie Richman, Seth Gamble, Tom Byron, Tommy Pistol
• Director: Axel Braun
• Studio: Vivid
• Running Time: approx. 2 hours 30 minutes

Where It's Available:

• Order Star Wars XXX from adultdvdempire
• Watch Star Wars XXX online - Download/Streaming
• Star Wars XXX A La Carte Rentals